LEADING THE WAY
Leading the way has not been something that has come easily to me nor was it something I sought. It all started when I intentionally allowed myself as hard as it was to become vulnerable. The harsh events of life cause a vulnerability in so many that is raw and uncomfortable, but for me it was intolerable and unbearable. The feeling and fear of being vulnerable was something that in former days caused me to numb myself out on alcohol and prescription. Anything but face life and pain in its true form. But not today.
I was so afraid that if people really found out who I was on the inside, I would be rejected. I did everything I could to mask the true me because i literally hated myself. As hard as I tried, I could never hide because I wore a veil of shame. The shame of growing up in an alcoholic home and the secrets I felt I had to keep to protect not only me but those around me. The social anxiety and the intense loneliness I felt on the inside, caused me to wear masks and many of them. I didn’t want people to know how desperate I really felt. The only problem with wearing masks was that when I was with a group of people, i had no idea of how to act. Because I wore a different mask for different people, i would render myself silent for fear of being found out.
I literally started becoming clean in every sense of the word, the day I got sober in a twelve step recovery meeting. Night after night i was asked to share my story, my struggles and about my sobriety. I felt humiliated unveiling the layers of shame publicly and public humiliation was the very thing I feared the most. But, I knew my recovery depended on it. Besides I was in a safe environment and one where everyone else in the room were also sharing their deepest darkest pain but maybe like me, not ALL their secrets. I still had one I rarely talked about. One where every time it would even enter my mind I became angry and one where even the thought of saying the words made me feel so shattered and so ashamed.
SILENT NO MORE
I remember the day so clearly that I finally came to terms with being raped at 17 years of age. When it happened all those years ago, I told no one. After all I had been molested by a pedophile when I was nine and there was no justice. So I figured there would be no justice if I did tell. What we ‘KEEP IN THE DARKNESS CAN NEVER BE DEALT WITH. IT IS ONLY WHEN WE BRING SOMETHING OUT INTO THE LIGHT THAT WE CAN FINALLY BEGIN TO HEAL’. I realised that the shame was not mine to carry any longer. That was the day I found the keys to freedom. The day I decided I would be SILENT NO MORE! When I finally became vulnerable enough to talk about this publicly, i realised there was no longer anything to hide and nothing holding me back. The fear of rejection no longer has a hold on me. Today I share all my stories so that other people my know that they too can recover from trauma. I can be a voice of HOPE for all those who are still suffering in silence and I can truly connect with people because I am prepared to be vulnerable.